B*TCH Wake Up!

It is what it is.  Don't make it more or less.  That's the game.  Remember the last 3 sentences.

Would you jump into the deep end of a swimming pool without knowing how to swim?

Can you imagine playing professional football without pads and helmets?

Do you think if someone put you into the cockpit of a 747 jet airliner that you could fly it without taking flying lessons?

No will be the answers to all the previous questions, no doubt.  So what the fuck is the matter with these half-ass hos out here driving around in busted ass cars with no gas hoping that they can get to the next gas station?  What part of the game is this?

What I mean to say is this: what kind of ho meets deep pockets and simply hopes she can get a few perks instead of planning and executing the right moves to ensure that her time is valued?  Poor hos hope, rich hos know.  Let me explain.

Since the release of Poor Ho, Rich Ho: From Hos to Housewives, I've received hundred of emails from aspiring go-getters asking the same question: How do I know if he just wants sex from me or really wants a relationship?

I love my readers.  I love the ladies.  With all due respect- bitches wake the fuck up!

Let there be no confusion.  Ballers, Rich Men, Sugar Daddies want your ass confused.  They want you to wonder: Does he really want more but is afraid to say so?  Does he really not want to be with his wife but he can't leave her yet?

They want you insecure, unsure and walking on thin ice for one reason- you are cheaper when you feel lucky to be in the room.  That's right, if a high value suitor picks you up from the opposite end of the tax bracket it's because they are discount shopping, looking for Prius prices with Mercedes performance.

Let me break this down for you.  Most of the aspiring female hustlers are not ballers themselves.  They are not rich.  They are working class women dreaming of winning the relationship lottery.  So they occasionally get dolled up, hit prestigious scenes and nightlife spots to rub shoulders with men that they hope will scoop them up into the top shelf life.  Classic Cinderella fantasies, trust me I read email after email from these very gorgeous prospects.

The problem is, every so often a few of them get a shot a nabbing a big fish.  I'll save you the suspense.  Most blow it.  They end up looking like typical idiotic groupies, whining that the guy didn't respect them, didn't call them after sex and didn't even buy them anything off the damn dollar menu of Micky D's!

Here's why they blow it.  They lie to themselves from the start.  They start to believe their own Cinderella fantasies.  Then they HOPE that all the emails are helping to build a bond with the traveling business tycoon, athlete or entertainer.  They HOPE that all the Skype calls and traded photos mean that they are getting closer to their suitor.  They HOPE that that plane ticket and hotel room mean the beginning of a happy ending that only happens in romantic comedy movies.  They HOPE that the one thing they have to offer, the one thing that they are banking on closing the deal will somehow take them from part-time administrative assistant to wife or mistress to a multimillionaire.  That one thing is SEX.

Bitch wake up.

A man can get sex anywhere.  ANYWHERE!!!  Hope is for dumb, poor hos.  Lots of these ladies think that a tweet or inbox from a horny celeb or high end suitor means that they are magical goddesses about to be discovered.  So they HOPE for the best when they put it all out there, give all up and never bother to think of the following:

Did you keep all the emails?  This could be a good book or small short story worth selling to the highest bidder of gossip hustlers.

Did you record all the Skype and phone calls?  Everything ends, what do you have for leverage later?

Did you take as many pictures with him as possible to post online later if you need to send a message?  If he only flies you out 3 times a year, what the fuck do you think he's doing all the other months of the year, waiting to spend precious tie with your ass?  Bitch wake up.

Did you plan to have protected or unprotected sex with him? I can assure you that when you tell him that you are pregnant, the first question he will ask is: Is it mine?  He will also say, "I barely know you.  We met online.  I don't know what you are doing when you are not with me.  You planned this."  It's all good, until the pregnancy test read positive then you find out just how much he really "liked" you and has "feelings that he couldn't describe fully" towards you.  Bitch wake up.

Do you plan on getting pregnant purposely?  If so, make sure it's his.  HOLD UP.  Did he just write that?  Yes bitch.  I did.

This is where fake bitches cringe and Rich Hos don't even blink and say, "Amen."  Here's the deal for you brand new hos: do not lie about who you are to yourself, lie to the motherfucka you are hustling.  Simple.

I've found when hos start asking questions like, "How do I know if he has feelings for me?"  What they really mean is: "At first I was just being a gold diggin' ho but now I want him to see me as a possible love interest.  So I'm confused about whether or not all of my lies in the beginning were good enough so they won't come back to haunt me when he falls in love with me for real."  Chances are that if you have to ask yourself if the guy has feelings with you, the better question to ask is: how long will it be before he dumps your ass without warning?

So the solution to this is simple.  Do not enter the game without a plan.  Know what you want to get out of the arrangement.  How much do you want in your saving account when it ends?  What kinds of perks will it take to make you happy? How do you want to be treated throughout the dealings?

I sometimes meet new hos that gasp at such questions.  As if they never want to admit to themselves that they even think such thoughts.  Many of them feel that if they openly admit to themselves that they want something out of these arrangements that they are admitting to being stereotypical groupies or even worse, prostitutes!

Yet when the shit hits the fans, they watch men with resources do everything they can to get something for nothing.  These men don't text, tweet or call anymore.  If they do answer the phone they deny, deny, deny.  The sad part is watching these male tricks make it rain in some of my nightclubs, throwing thousands of dollars in the air to raving people.  My smartest go-getters know better though.  They know that the best way to make a move is to tell these Rainmakers, "You can make it rain in this club where you don't know where your money is going or you can cause a flash shower where the grass is greener and the fruits are ripe."  It's common sense.  If it's not raining on you that means it's raining somewhere else.

So why the fuck are some of you poor hos afraid to see shit for what it is?  The real tragedy is that many of these ladies don't want to see themselves for what they really are so they enter the game in denial, unprepared and begging to be labeled a fool.  Ask Ayana "Chipotle Girl" Marie.

If I were managing Ayana, I would tell her this.  Lay low.  Have your child.  Get an attorney.  Secure the identity of the child's father.  If the father can support the child, get what you deserve.

Redeem your reputation by first by being a good mother.  Next, get your thoughts together and position yourself to be the antithesis of everything you previously stood for. You are a gorgeous woman.  One child will not stop you from getting another opportunity to land a rainmaker.  You have a tiny, tiny window of public persona to leverage.  Use it.  Plenty of reality shows would probably cast you.  But the key to regaining your credibility will be your success as a parent, put that first, don't just say that you love your child.  Hell, even Superhead has a son- can you imagine what he's going to have to deal with when he grows up?  Don't be that ho.